i think about kissing [AIR] and her boyfriend i dream about them taking me both i dream about being loved i think im a deviant i worry so much all the goddamn time i scream and scream CAN ANYONE HEAR ME but im screaming into plexiglass i think im okay with life passing me by i want to sit alone and code projects but id like someone to do it with i worry im too desperate i barely talk to anyone i havent left my new apartment this whole week and i think it might be all month i feel proud that i took a shower today i know im doing good but i want to be crushed like a bug for my transgressions im sorry [FIRE] im so fucking sorry i want to show you the world i want to kill myself to keep you safe but i bury that under oxygen mask metaphors and blond hairdye i want to escape who i was and who ive been and find who i can be but you cant do that. you just cant because then you repeat the past and i CANT. EVER. DO. THAT. AGAIN and i keep fucking haunting him like a goddamn demon tormenting him because how dare i be safe after what i did and i agree but i cant just disconnect because i will literally die and ive trained myself to fear that again and no one can know about this and they never will and if they do then be gentle with me when you lower me into the dirt and this isnt a suicide note i swear its just that i know the laws of the universe and the laws are that i cant have good it has to be equaled with bad and i will always be leeching off others i will have to take and take just to live a human parasite that is just lovable enough to be disarming and its a miracle im not cutting but im not because i promised but i cant remember who maybe everyone and i just want to break things i just want to be broken